Love, Relationships, and the Impact of Adoption

by Jonti, adopted from Sri Lanka to Australia

Hey adoptee family,

It’s Jonti here again with a few thoughts about love and relationships.

When I reflect on some of my past experiences, I’m left with feelings of embarrassment, shame, and even physical sickness. Not because of the amazing women I’ve shared those experiences with, but because of how I handled certain situations and how I treated those individuals once relationships ended — for whatever reason, whether good or bad.

First, I want to say something very clearly, because this is important. I can truthfully and thankfully say that I have never laid a hand on anyone I have been in a relationship with, nor would I ever want to.

What I do wish, though, is that I had the opportunity to sit down with some of those women and explain why I behaved the way I did. I would want them to know how deeply sorry and remorseful I am for the pain my actions may have caused.

Looking back now, I realise that I often reacted in ways where I couldn’t fully understand or control my thoughts and emotions. For many people who haven’t experienced adoption or trauma, these reactions can be difficult to understand.

For me, those reactions were often a desperate attempt to cry out for love, attention, and acceptance. They were driven by the deep abandonment and rejection trauma I carried from being adopted.

At times, this showed up in unhealthy ways. I might lash out, behave rudely, or say things meant to provoke a reaction. I might push harder for reassurance or attention, trying to force connection through negative behaviour. Underneath it all was the fear of rejection and the pain of separation when a partner wanted to end the relationship.

During those moments, even though my reactions were unfair, I wasn’t fully aware of the deeper issues and insecurities driving them. Through a lot of self-development, reflection, and maturity, I now understand that many of these reactions were part of my fight-or-flight response — survival mechanisms shaped by earlier trauma.

That doesn’t make those behaviours acceptable, and I’m not trying to excuse them. But understanding where they came from has helped me take responsibility and grow.

When you feel emotions this intensely, it can make you feel like something is wrong with you — like you’re strange, different, or somehow broken. But in my experience, the opposite is often true. It can mean you’re someone who feels deeply, someone who cares deeply, and someone who has simply been misunderstood.

It took me a long time to realise that about myself. Emotions are messy — they’re the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s taken me 33 years to truly begin understanding them, and I’m still learning every day.

One thing I’ve come to recognise about myself is that when it comes to relationships and friendships, I tend to go from zero to one hundred very quickly. I fall fast.

Looking back, I think that comes from craving the kind of unconditional, close connection that I lacked growing up. As someone who was adopted, I missed a lot of that early emotional security, and it shaped how I approached relationships later in life.

But today, I understand more about why these patterns happen. For the first time in my life, I feel confident enough in my self-awareness to talk openly about my emotions with partners. I’ve learned how important it is to communicate these insecurities and explain where they come from.

When partners are able to understand this, it can make a huge difference. Instead of letting those emotions spiral into conflict or misunderstanding, we can work together to manage them and prevent situations that might otherwise lead to hurtful behaviour.

I feel incredibly fortunate that some of the women in my life have been patient enough to listen and try to understand. That kind of openness and communication has made those connections stronger.

To anyone reading this who has struggled with separation, rejection, or emotional reactions that even you don’t fully understand — I want you to know that you’re not alone.

I know how hard it can be.

But instead of hiding from those adoption-related insecurities, what if we tried something different? What if we wore our adoption stories with honesty and even pride?

In my view, being adopted often means you’ve developed qualities of incredible strength — empathy, resilience, love, and understanding. Those are qualities of real value.

When you allow yourself to embrace who you are, it becomes easier to surround yourself with people who truly care about you — people who will love and accept the real you. It also gives you the confidence to sit down and have honest conversations with friends and partners about your emotions and your experiences.

Because at the end of the day, honesty is what makes relationships work. Without it, we have nothing.

This isn’t a simple or easy fix. But learning to embrace who you are begins with you. And if people don’t like you for your authentic self, well — you probably know my thoughts on that.

They can get stuffed.

Most importantly, remember this: you are not alone.

You are a valued and cherished part of our adoption community, and there are people who will always stand beside you.

Alright family, I hope you’re all doing okay out there.

Much love,
Jonti

Until next time.